I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
