I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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