Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
