i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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