My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
