Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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