I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
