you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
