she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
