I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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