don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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