he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
