She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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