I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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