im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
