I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
