It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
