Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize