I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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