Jerry, you need to find god
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
