That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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