mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
