You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
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