Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
