Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
