I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
