I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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