remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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