all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
