I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
