i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you would pick up someone in the library
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
