i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
