Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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