grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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