Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
