She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
