I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
