I think my fart just growled at me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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