Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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