Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
