I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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