don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
