i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
