I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
