currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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