I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
