Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
