i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
