White coat. Heels.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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