just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The uberlube is also flammable
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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