i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
