If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
