She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
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