You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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