I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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