I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
