i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
