I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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